Article on Self-Compassion (Part 2)

Introduction

Today we will continue our exploration of self-compassion with a few simple practices that you can do in your day-to-day life when you encounter a difficult situation. First, I will remind you of the three components of self-compassion. We will then experiment with a couple of self-compassion practices and to finish, we will go over some of the misgivings around self-compassion in order to illustrate the actual benefits of this practice.

The three components of self-compassion

Self-compassion is a central tenet of Buddhist psychology, and is at the core of all mindfulness practices.

Self-compassion teaches us to recognise and accept that the moment is painful, to remember that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, and to treat ourselves with kindness and care in response to our suffering. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.

There are three foundational elements to compassion :

1. Mindfulness comes first: it allows us to become aware that we are suffering, we are able to recognise our feelings and to admit we are in pain instead of pushing it away, pretending it’s not there, or lashing out in anger. As we become mindful of our suffering, we don’t get lost in the storyline, we are not overidentified with it. And this is not only about big suffering, but any time we experience difficult emotions.
2. The second component is our sense of our common humanity:  It’s the idea that all human life is imperfect, that all people make mistakes, and are flawed in some way. That’s what it means to be human. We know it rationally, but when we fail or make a mistake, our immediate assumption is that something has gone wrong. And it makes us feel very isolated from others. Research shows that one of the most damaging aspects of not having self-compassion is that feeling of isolation and separation. Whereas, when we connect to the fact that suffering is shared and that we are not alone in this, it is part of our human experience, we feel connected.
3. The third part is to respond with kindness towards ourselves: when we notice we are suffering, and especially if it comes from failing in some way or feeling inadequate, instead of criticizing ourselves, we have an understanding response towards ourselves, treating ourselves the same way we would treat a good friend.

Self-compassion practices (source: Kristin Neff)

Self-compassion is often a radically new way of relating to ourselves. Research shows that the more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, either using informal practices or formal meditation practices– the more we will increase the habit of self-compassion.

Self-Compassion Break

Notice or think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. “This is a moment of suffering”   That’s mindfulness, the recognition that we are suffering. Other options include: “This hurts”, or “this is hard for me right now”.

2. “Suffering is a part of life” : recognizing that it is part of our common humanity. Other options include: “Other people feel this too”, “I’m not alone:

Introduction

Today we will continue our exploration of self-compassion with a few simple practices that you can do in your day-to-day life when you encounter a difficult situation. First, I will remind you of the three components of self-compassion. We will then experiment with a couple of self-compassion practices and to finish, we will go over some of the misgivings around self-compassion in order to illustrate the actual benefits of this practice.

The three components of self-compassion

Self-compassion is a central tenet of Buddhist psychology, and is at the core of all mindfulness practices. When we practice mindfulness, a key supportive attitude is to be kind and patient towards oneself, and to remain mindful of not judging or criticizing oneself for our short-comings during practice.

Self-compassion teaches us to recognise and accept that the moment is painful (the two wings of mindfulness: recognise and allow), remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.

 

So, there are three foundational elements to compassion (mindfulness, a sense of common humanity and responding with kindness):

1. Mindfulness comes first: we become aware that we are suffering, we are able to recognise our feelings and to admit we are in pain instead of pushing it away, pretending it’s not there, or lashing out in anger. As we become mindful of our suffering, we don’t get lost in the storyline, we are not overidentified with it. And this is not only about big suffering, but any time we experience difficult emotions.
2. The second component is our sense of our common humanity:  It’s the idea that all human life is imperfect, that all people make mistakes, and are flawed in some way. That’s what it means to be human. We know it rationally, but when we fail or make a mistake, our immediate assumption is that something has gone wrong. And it makes us feel very isolated from others. Research shows that one of the most damaging aspects of not having self-compassion is that feeling of isolation and separation. Whereas, when we connect to the fact that suffering is shared and that we are not alone in this, it is part of our human experience, we feel connected.
3. The third part is to respond with kindness towards ourselves: when we notice we are suffering, and especially if it comes from failing in some way or feeling inadequate, we have an understanding response towards ourselves, treating ourselves the same way we would treat a good friend. We feel motivated to help ourselves: we offer a soothing and comforting response, and we take right action to support and protect oneself from harm

Self-compassion practices (source: Kristin Neff)

Self-compassion is often a radically new way of relating to ourselves. Research shows that the more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, either using informal practices or formal meditation practices– the more we will increase the habit of self-compassion.

 Self-Compassion Break

Notice or think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

 Now, say to yourself:

 1.This is a moment of suffering: That’s mindfulness, recognising that you are suffering right now. Other options include: This hurts, this is hard right now.

 2.Suffering is a part of life: Recognising our common humanity. Other options include: “Other people feel this too”, “I’m not alone”, “We all struggle in our lives”.

3. May I be kind to myself : place your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt any other soothing touch that feels right for you.You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as: “I am here for you”, “I care about your suffering”, “may I accept myself as I am”

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

You can try it HERE.

Supportive Touch

One easy way to care for and comfort yourself when you’re feeling bad is to give yourself supportive touch. Touch activates the care system and the parasympathetic nervous system to help us calm down and feel safe. It may feel awkward or embarrassing at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in its mother’s arms. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it?

You might like to try putting your hand on your body during difficult periods several times a day for a period of at least a week.

 Hand-on-Heart

• When you notice you’re under stress, take 2-3 deep, slow breaths.
• Gently place your hand over your heart, feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. 
• Feel the touch of your hand on your chest. If you wish, you could make small circles with your hand on your chest.
• Feel the natural rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and as you breathe out.
• Linger with the feeling for as long as you like.

Some people feel uneasy putting a hand over the heart. Feel free to explore where on your body a gentle touch is actually soothing. Some other possibilities are:

• One hand on your cheek
• Cradling your face in your hands
• Gently stroking your arms
• Crossing your arms and giving a gentle squeeze
• Hand on your abdomen or one hand on your abdomen and one over heart

Hopefully you’ll start to develop the habit of physically comforting yourself when needed, taking full advantage of this surprisingly simple and straightforward way to be kind to ourselves.

Self-Compassion Journal

Try keeping a daily self-compassion journal for one week (or longer if you like.) Journaling is an effective way to express emotions, and has been found to enhance both mental and physical well-being. At some point during the evening when you have a few quiet moments, review the day’s events. In your journal, write down anything that you felt bad about, anything you judged yourself for, or any difficult experience that caused you pain. For each event, use mindfulness, a sense of common humanity, and kindness to process the event in a more self-compassionate way.

Mindfulness

This will mainly involve bringing awareness to the painful emotions that arose due to your self-judgment or difficult circumstances. Write about how you felt: sad, ashamed, frightened, stressed, and so on. As you write, try to be accepting and non-judgmental of your experience, not belittling it nor making it overly dramatic.

 Common Humanity

Write down the ways in which your experience is connected to the larger human experience. This might include acknowledging that being human means being imperfect, and that all people have these sorts of painful experiences. (“Everyone over-reacts sometimes, it’s only human.”) You might also want to think about the various causes and conditions underlying the painful event.  

Self-Kindness

Write yourself some kind, understanding, words of comfort. Let yourself know that you care about yourself, adopting a gentle, reassuring tone. (It’s okay. You messed up but it wasn’t the end of the world. I understand how frustrated you were and you just lost it)

 

Practicing the three components of self-compassion with this writing exercise will help organize your thoughts and emotions, while helping to encode them in your memory. If you keep a journal regularly, your self-compassion practice will become even stronger and translate more easily into daily life.

 The five major common misgivings about self-compassion

People often worry that self-compassion might be a form of self-pity, that it’s weak, that it will undermine our motivation by making us too soft, and will lead to self-indulgence, that it is selfish and self-centred.

Based on these misgivings, Kristin Neff developed a scale to measure levels of self-compassion in people and created a valid self-report measure to describe the behaviours associated with the presence of self-compassion or the lack of self-compassion. Her research shows that the misgivings on self-compassion are all false.

Self-pity? Self-pity is equivalent to self-focus, rumination and catastrophizing. With self-compassion on the other hand, we ruminate less and are less absorbed in our thoughts (that’s the mindfulness part of self-compassion), we are able to step outside of ourselves and see ourselves clearly. Also it is less self-focused because we become aware of sharing our humanity with others.

Weak? A study done with veterans coming back from Iraq showed that their level of self-compassion was more predictive of whether or not they developed PTSD, if they could be an inner ally to themselves or an inner enemy. Self-compassion is a huge source of strength and resilience, and is an important coping mechanism for people going through a difficult time.

Motivation? A number of studies show that students who have self-compassion have less fear of failure, because it’s safe to fail, they remain kind to themselves if they fail, so failure does not derail them. They are more likely to learn from the experience, pick themselves up and try again. It supports a growth mindset.

Self-indulgent? Actually self-compassion encourages people to take good care of themselves, just as a compassionate parent you would want the best for their child and choose healthy behaviours over short-term pleasure. The same happens with self-compassion: self-compassionate people exercise more often, eat healthier, go to the doctor more often etc… Studies show that self-compassion is strongly linked to well-being, and positive mind states: so less anxiety and depression and more life satisfaction, gratitude and optimism.

Selfish? Research shows that self-compassion is not selfish, in fact it leads to more giving and caring relationship behaviours. For example, one study on 100 couples showed that self-compassionate partners were described as more caring, capable of intimacy, kinder and less controlling and argumentative.

Conclusion

When people are in a self-compassionate state of mind, they have mindfulness, they feel connected to others and they feel kind, so they have more resources to give to others. As opposed to self-critical people who feel bad about themselves, isolate themselves, and are less in a position to give to others.

Self-compassion creates a state of loving connected presence, through the mindfulness, the sense of common humanity and the kindness. It helps us to hold pain and difficult emotions without being overwhelmed

Source: 

Kristin Neff: Self-compassion (book) and website https://self-compassion.org/